This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
