Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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