I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize