I wish life had little blips of pornography
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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