Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
