apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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