we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The Olympian is in my bed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
