Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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