I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
True strength comes from lack of pants
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
