Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Randomize
