There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
