There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
