In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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