I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
