sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
