Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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