if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
