Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
