3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
