How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
