but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
