thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My cat gives me a boner
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
