Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
