You just made me feel so damn special
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
