he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
