Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
