My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
