I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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