Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
