Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Randomize
