Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
