I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
