winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
