the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Randomize
