my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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