wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
