I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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