Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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