i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
