It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
