Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
