so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
