So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
