Moan for me like Helen Keller
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do herpes really smell.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm at about main and main street
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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