i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
