He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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