I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
