life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
