If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
