He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
